17 Year Old Boy is Only 22 inches Tall

DIPOLOG CITY, Philippines, March 11 - A 17-year-old Filipino boy measuring only 22 inches tall is expected to become the world's smallest man in on his June 12 birthday, his family said.

The family of Junrey Balawing of the Zamboanga del Norte province, who will qualify for the Guinness World Record when he turns 18, said the teenager has limited walking ability and can't stand up for very long, but he is proud of his record-setting size, The Sun newspaper in London reported Thursday.

"He loves it when I tell him he's the smallest man in the world, he just smiles with pride," said his mother, Concepcion Balawing. "If I were the smallest man in the world, it would be very cool," Junrey said.

A Guinness World Records spokesman said the organization is aware of Balawing.

"We are looking to review the claim when Junrey Balawing turns 18, which is when candidates for this title can officially apply for the record," the spokesman said. The title of world's smallest man is currently held by Khagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal, who stands at 26.4 inches tall.

22 inches tall?! Thats like the size of my ice Large ice coffee I have sitting in front of me. I don't want this kid as my assistant, I NEED this kid as my assistant. Not that I think he will be productive in anyway. More so that it lifts my own self esteem. Like when I tell him to grab me a chair from the other room, then after I act shocked that he can't lift the chair, I casually walk over, grab the chair with one hand and carry it over my shoulder all why he says "oh my god boss, you are so strong!" 


I mean im 6'3. This kid would have a fucking blast just riding around on my shoulder. Then if he pissed me off I would just scoop him up and put him on one of my shelves. Basically be equivalent to your boss locking you out on the ledge of you 19th story window till you agreed to stop slacking. God forbid I ever got a client, I would scare the shit out of him by having my assistant sit motionless on my desk for the first 10 minutes. Then have him slowly move every few minutes till he finally just jumps on the clients lap.


Between this and my Slow Loris I will be the most entertained / unproductive man on the planet!

Guy Pulls Butchers Knife When He Is Not Allowed To Watch American Idol

JACKSONVILLE, Fla.  — A hotel guest held two co-workers he was staying with at knifepoint when they refused to change the TV channel to "American Idol," Neptune Beach police said.

Barran Prakash, 47, of Brooklyn, N.Y., was talking to his wife on the phone while he was preparing a meal when his wife told him the show was on TV, according to police.

Prakash then told his co-workers he wanted to change the channel, but they refused, which incited a heated argument, police said. Police were called to the Days Inn in the 1400 block of Atlantic Boulevard just before 9 p.m. Tuesday. Police said when they arrived, they found Prakash in the hallway outside the room the three men were staying in, and they ordered him to the ground, but he refused. The officer said he performed a leg sweep to take Prakash down and place him into custody. Police said while the victims, Michael Pooran and Sean Huggins, were arguing with Prakash, Prakash grabbed a large butcher knife and held it to Huggins' throat.

Pooran told police he intervened and was able t
o take the knife from Prakash, when Prakash attacked him, police said. Police said they found the knife in the trash can in the room. The victims told police they thought Prakash was going to kill them. Prakash is charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill. He was being held in the Duval County Jail. "American Idol" was not on TV on Tuesday night.

and this is why I am a very passive TV watcher. I don't demand authority over the remote like most people do. First off its too much pressure for me. "are you seriously watching this?" "you fucking like this show?" "You have no taste in movies".....Fuck that. Im an indian not a chief, always have been.

The main reason I steer clear of getting involved is because of cases like this. I have stood my ground very few times and its just a very uncomfortable feeling. It gets especially heated in a situation like this where the majority doesn't want to watch the show. Then the two guys start laughing saying "were not going to watch American Idol, its the lamest show on TV"  

This is where shit gets personal. Not only are you not going to watch his show, but your now insulting his intelligence. All the while, this guy's wife is probably pumping into his ear that its the greatest show ever! She is probably like "oh my god honey, put it on now! quick!!!!! Steven Tyler just got on stage!!!" Now the guy is pacing back in forth, and the other two roomates are laughing at him. This guy finally snaps and grabs a butchers knife and probably starts making the roomates sing if they want to live. All of a sudden shits not so funny and this psycho has them reinacting the show. This stuff happens everyday. Especially with American Idol fans.

Note: Is this the worst article ever written. Hey buddy why don't you use the phrase "police said" one more time......

Tsunami Shuts me Up

So I felt a little guilty this morning when I was bitching about how it was "like hurricane Katrina outside." Only to turn on the T.V. and see this:




Kind of felt like I may have exaggerated my current situation a little. Like perhaps the light mist and 6mph winds weren't the end of the world as I was making them out to be. I mean probably would have been a little worse if I walked out to my car floating down the street and half of Boston Harbor's boats heading straight for me. I don't even know what you do if your in Japan right now. Just complete chaos judging by these videos. 


The sad part in all of this is somewhere in California there are a bunch of surfers just masturbating to these videos right now. They are getting off to all these warnings of massive waives expected to hit the California coasts. These guys are nuts, they will just weave in between the boats, houses, and cars if it means they can catch a "gnarly" waive. I will have zero sympathy for anyone who drowns trying to surf in a tsunami.


anyways good luck to everyone in Japan and I suppose ill stop bitching about the 2 inch puddles I might step in on the way to my car.

Ill take two please!

Bitch stop teasing the poor thing. The first time you let him actually hold onto the umbrella he had a smile from ear to ear. This "slow loris" moves about as slow as I did while I was recently infected with the Black Plague. Like his hand motion to grab the umbrella was eerie similar to me grabbing the glass of water next to my bed. 


All I know is that anytime I was taking a vacation, he would be the first thing I packed. This way every time I have a fruity cocktail with an umbrella in it, this thing will take the umbrella out, hold it straight in the air and it will be like a sign to the waitress that I need a new drink. 

My Biggest Regret In LIfe

Ok so I stumbled upon this little gold mind of people's regrets and I figured I would start posting them every now and then. Make everyone else feel a little better about themselves. Folks there is no way I could make these up. Their too priceless. So here goes....

Not Getting Circumcised

My biggest regret ever is not getting circumcised.  I hate the way my penis looks. Most girls hate it.  They seem to be scared of a uncircumcised penis.  I would go ahead and get circumcised now, but, at my age its too expensive and would probably be painful.

Male, 19]


Man your only 19 and you act like the worlds coming to an end because you got a hood on your penis. First off, your acting like it was your choice. Pretty sure when they make that decision your the only person they don't ask. You have to embrace that shit. Get your ass on J-date.com and start slaying it. Do you even need to wear condoms if your uncircumcised? And if it does bother you that much then you can't worry about pain. No pain no gain.

Woman Calls 911 Over Stubbed Toe

                                       (I decided against using a gross picture of a real stubbed toe)

ALLENTOWN, Pa., March 10 - Authorities in Pennsylvania said a woman who called 911 to report her stubbed toe received an ambulance ride to the hospital. Allentown Emergency Medical Services said the 52-year-old woman, whose name was not released, first called the emergency number about 11:10 p.m. Tuesday to report her injured toe but no ambulance was dispatched, The (Allentown) Morning Call reported Wednesday. Officials said an EMS unit was dispatched when the woman called 911 a second time about 10 minutes later and she was taken to the hospital.

I totally support this lady and will back her in court. Anybody who is laughing at this or upset that she is using an emergency service for a non-emergency has apparently never really stubbed their toe. When I was growing up, the guy at the top of my street had an awesome pool. It had a waterside along with all the toys and rafts a kid could ever want. So when I found out we were going to the pool, it was game on. The goal was to beat my brothers bitch-ass up there. This meant there was no time to grab a shirt, towel, or try to find my always missing sandals. 

Problem was EVERY TIME I was on my way up I would stub the shit out of one of my toes. It was like fucking clockwork. Pretty much happened in the same spot too. I would tough it out till I made it to the pool, but as soon as I started kicking my feet and the little piece of skin started waving in the water I would start screaming to the heavens in pain. Like if kids had cell phones back then, I would have called 911 every time.  Having this stubbed toe just ruined the whole pool experience too. Tough to have much fun in a pool when you can't put your foot in the water. I mean handstands get a little fucking old after a while. 

DNA is Some Crazy Shit

CHICAGO — Missing chunks of DNA responsible for turning genes on and off help explain some key differences between chimpanzees and humans — including why humans have big brains and why the human penis is not covered with prickly spines, U.S. researchers said on Wednesday.

The study, published in the journal Nature, reinforces the notion that genes that control the activity of other genes play a big role in what makes humans so different from other mammals.

The full article is a lot longer and goes into much more detail but I think everything I needed to hear was summed up in the sentence that said "....why humans have big brains and why the human penis in not covered with prickly spines." Prickly spines?  Just another reason to thank your lucky stars you were a human and not a chimpanzee. Barring you have some sort of freakish STD, I think its safe to say that every guy reading this felt a little better about the way their penis looks. 

Im not really afraid of being naked. I mean my clothes are usually off long before the girl has a button undone. Call me weird but I feel like it helps facilitate the process. How long can she sit their fully clothed while im naked for. However you can bet your last dollar that if I had a penis "covered with prickly spines" I would be the most self conscious person on the planet. Sure their might be a few girls into that, but something tells me those girls aren't "wifey" material. So if I had prickly spines or PS, my boxers would basically be sewn to my waist. In order for me to hook up I would have to completely black the girl out so she has no recollection of my PS, I would then not just shut my bedroom ligths off but rather cut the electricity to the entire house, I would wear the thickest condemns they offer, and I would probably leave all my clothes on and fuck through my zipper. 

This is why DNA freaks me out, one little strand here or one missing strand there and you got prickly spines covering your penis!

This Kids Father Must be So Proud

Nice back tuck handspring or whatever you call that move you just tried to pull. Seriously though there is no way that is the kid walking back at the end of the video right? Like that kid is dead and they quickly dragged his body off the floor right? That would make sense because people dying at your gym is bad for business. I just can't believe this kid was able to move anything below his eyebrows after this. If you asked me to snap my neck, this is exactly what my attempt would look like.

Get Me Some Tiger Blood!

SANTA MONICA, Calif., March 8 - Inspired by a Charlie Sheen rant, U.S. energy drink company Harcos Laboratories Tuesday began selling Tiger Blood, "made of 100 percent passion."

The Santa Monica, Calif., company, founded by a pair of self-described robotics industry geeks in 2007, brought out the limited-edition energy shot "in honor of a certain celebrity outburst." The 3.4-ounce shots, containing 80 mg of caffeine, come in an intravenous bag-style container and sell for $3.99. The company Web site says the product is "made of 100 percent passion."

Sheen, who was fired from the CBS sit-com "Two-and-a-Half Men" following weeks of erratic behavior, recently proclaimed he has "tiger blood" and "Adonis DNA."

There is a difference between saying and doing. I mean its impossible to watch T.V. or listen to the radio and not hear about Charlie Sheen's tiger blood. I have also already heard about 20 people joke around in some way about selling tiger blood. Well these two self-described "geeks" just decided to do what everyone else has been saying and ACTUALLY make the drink. They didn't half ass it either. Like this is exactly how I would want an envision my tiger blood. 

It comes in a intravenous bag-style container!!! That's the shit im talking about! Forget coffee, forget a 5 hour, I want tiger blood! So what when you go into your boss's office your twitching and look like a fucking vampire because the boss is going to overlook that when he sees you did 5 days worth of work in 5 hours! 

All this company needs to do now is pair up with Jagermeister or some other alcohol and make this the next red-bull vodka of the bar/club scene.

I Wouldn't Last 10 Seconds in a UFC Ring

I would rather go to prison for a year then fight a big time UFC fighter. I would probably be tapping out before the referee even started the fight. As soon as the ref said "go" I would be in a dead sprint away from my opponent and climbing the fence like a Spider Monkey.

Even if I tried, I can't describe how fast I would be put into one of their thousands of deadly submissions. That is not why I would be afraid though.  A few seconds of pain, you tap out, then its all over. That I can handle. Its the shit like this that scares me. One second im on my feet ready to impress every girl in the arena, next thing I know im on the ground, my jaw is half way across the ring, and im going to be eating through a straw for the next 6-8 weeks.

Good Sportsmanship Bro

Im a BIG fan of talking shit during a game. Like if this kid does this move after the first point he scores, I have no problem with it. But waiting till after you win just makes me think you have never won anything. Act like you have been there before man. There is a reason why there isn't a single hot chick in the audience, and thats because their off fucking real athletes.


Also if im the one in the red shirt, the second this tool does the Michael Jackson screams in my face, im haymakering this kid with no concern about the repercussions.

I Need To Be Rich!....Still

People always say that if they were stupid rich, they would still work. They say they would get bored sitting at home. Well maybe that is true. However I would never be sitting at home bored. I would always be doing shit. Just non stop traveling an attending events. I would do things that I just wasn't even able to think about before. This video right here is exactly what im talking about. Like I don't want a horse named ARGGHHHHH....I NEED a horse named ARGGHHHHHH.

I can picture it now, put out the word that I just bought a horse. I invite all my friends to tailgate and watch the race at the track that day. I pay for all the limos, alcohol, and food. My only request is that they all dress up like pirates. Now all of a sudden you have an entire section going nuts over this horse, the horse wins, its on ESPN because of the horses name and his pirate following and within one week this horse is a fucking nation wide sensation! Tracks selling pirate memorabilia and little kids begging to take a pic with ARGHHHHH. Hell by the time he retires I will be demanding $500,000,000 to breed with my horse!

GOD I NEED TO BE RICH!!! 

Mother Convinces Man To Pay to Have Sex With Her Daughter

The officer saw a car turn onto Kings Highway East from Fairchild Avenue about 1:15 a.m. Thursday, and noticed the vehicle only had one headlight on. When he attempted to pull the car over, the driver sped away, at times crossing the center divider and disobeying traffic signals. When police finally stopped the speeding car, the driver, Lisa Gluz, 49, of Hancock Avenue told the officer that her daughter, Natasha Pennywell, 28, was sexually assaulted by Swajczi-Kiss. Gluz claimed they followed him home and stole his wallet to obtain identification. Swajczi-Kiss told officers he met the two women at a Bridgeport gas station and agreed to pay for sex with Pennywell. He said he took them to his home in Fairfield, performed the sex act and paid the women. After they left, he noticed that his wallet, which had been in the room where Gluz was waiting, was missing. Gluz was charged with promoting prostitution, interfering with an officer, engaging police in pursuit and a series of motor vehicle charges. Pennywell was charged with prostitution and fifth-degree larceny. Both were held on $1,000 bond and are due in court March 14. Swajczi-Kiss was charged with patronizing a prostitute. He was released on a promise to appear in court on March 14.

I have a lifelong streak of never paying for sex which I plan on keeping intact. So personally when I met this mother-daughter combo at the gas station, I would have respectfully declined the mothers offer to have my way with her daughter. Just not my style. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy meeting a girls mother, just not under these circumstances.

The problem I have with this story is not the mother whoring out her daughter, its the way the guy handled this situation. Like I said, I have never paid for sex and don't plan on it but I know that I would NEVER.....EVER.....bring the girl back to my place. It motel or bust.

Then on top of that when this guy does realize his wallet was taken he calls the police? Buddy why don't you just chalk up the $60 or $80 bucks you had in the wallet as a loss, cancel your cards, and move on. Not only is it going to be a hell of a lot cheaper then your lawyer but I don't think this looks very good on your resume or reflect well on your reputation as a whole.

People Are Meeting in Grocery Aisles?

MINNEAPOLIS, March 7 - Grocery stores and co-ops in the Minneapolis area said romantic connections are common in the aisles because food is "something that people have in common."

Vivian King, a spokeswoman for Roundy's, which operates Rainbow Foods in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area, said it's "natural" for people to hit on each other at the grocery store because "it's around something that people have in common," the Minneapolis Star Tribune reported Monday. "Several people make the same types of food, and you can have a conversation that's not intimidating," King said. Elizabeth Archerd, director of membership and marketing for the Wedge Co-op in Minneapolis, said there is a "fair amount of flirting" at the establishment and Liz McMann, Mississippi Market's manager of consumer affairs, said co-op shoppers are likely to make connections because they "know that (others) share some values ... whether environmental or health or the treatment of animals."

This can't be real right? I mean if you told me to list the last places I ever thought I would meet a girl, my list would start out like this:

1) Grocery Store

2) Family Reunion

I hate people at a grocery store. If grocery stores were open 24/7 I would shop at like 3am just so nobody was there. I would rather starve then go at 5pm before a storm. I hate trying to weave through the aisles, yelling "excuse me" and "sorry" every two seconds. Not to mention I CAN'T STAND people shopping over my shoulder! This is why I shop differently then most people. I pick my aisles based on how empty they are and not by whats in them. If the pasta aisle is packed, then it looks like its meatball sandwiches instead of spaghetti and meatballs. If the aisle with salad dressing is crowded, it looks like my salads are going to be a little dry that week.

So sorry if I can't fathom ever meeting someone in a grocery store. However it should be stated that I shop at market basket. I don't think I have seen an attractive girl in market basket ever. So I can't imagine making a "connection." Like if im reaching for s'more pop tarts and some fatty also has 4 boxes already in her cart, im not going to ask her to smear her number in chocolate for me. 

Perhaps though in a place like Whole Foods this might be imaginable. That place is stacked with female talent. Every girl in their has a nice body and obviously plans on maintaining it. I went into a whole foods once, ill never forget it. I think I stood at the entrance for about 10 minutes observing this MILF haven from a distance before I even grabbed a cart. I questioned why I ever shopped anywhere else. Then I looked at the price tag on an "organic" "unprocessed" piece of chicken breast and I almost fainted! I immediately traded in my carriage for one of those tiny baskets. Lets just say that by the time the lady was ringing me up, I was so nauseous from the cost of my 8 items that I couldn't think about women anymore.

So perhaps the upscale people who are already enjoying the finer things in life may be hitting it off at the grocery stores, but I think the rest of us bargain hunters are too busy deciding whether to splurge for the box of  "Honey Nut Cheerios" or stick with the Market Basket's: "O's With honey!"

So All Asian People DO Look-a-like!

 

National Geographic Magazine released a video clip, below, showing the most “typical” human face on the planet as part of its series on the human race called “Population 7 billion.”
The researchers conclude that a male, 28-year-old Han Chinese man is the most typical person on the planet.

So its no longer "racist" now for me to say that all Asian people look the same right? I mean if national geographics is saying that this is the most common face on the planet then its pretty hard to argue that they don't all look the same. 

Must be a lot easier getting over girls if your Asian. Like here when your down in the dumps about not being able to get over a girl your buddy will say to you "its alright man, there are other fish in the sea." and in a suicidal tone you respond "but they will never be like Veronica, she was so beautiful and unique looking!"

However in Asia your buddy says "its alright man, there are other fish in the sea" and when you respond with "but they will never be like Veronica...." your buddy says "actually they will look IDENTICAL to Veronica, in fact you won't even be able to tell the difference!"

Note: If your Asian and this bothers you, take comfort in knowing that in 20 years they say this face will be that of someone from India!

The Black Plague

So I apologize for the lack of blogging but its kind of hard to blog when you have the black plague. I started getting sick last Wednesday. I didn't think much of it, I never do. My immune system is like the Roman Empire in its prime. Just unstoppable. Like viruses don't even bother trying to attack my immune system because its pointless. Even if I do get sick, its for a day or two tops and I just sleep it off, no big deal.


Well it appears my immune system has been breached, and breached hard. I think this virus used a Trojan horse like trick or something. Perhaps it disguised itself as a vitamin. I can see my immune system now, staring at this shady looking vitamin, screaming "I say we burn it!" However my pussy kidney was probably like "burn it? but it is a vitamin! we need all the vitamins we can get." My immune system accepted the vitamin despite its better judgment.


 As soon as this "vitamin" made its way passed my defense system it began its attack, it shed its disguise and then just wreaked havoc on my body. This leading to 6 straight days of hell, laying in bed with cold sweats, and a cough that caused cruise ships to alter their course. Thankfully though, I think I am beginning to recover. I will hopefully come back stronger and healthier then before. I have learned my lesson and will never trust a "vitamin" that looks like this again:

Still Want to Be like Canada?

 

VANCOUVER, British Columbia, March 2 - Canadian health authorities are defending a Vancouver-area hospital's decision to put overflow emergency room patients in a nearby coffee and doughnut shop. The situation arose late Monday night and lasted into Tuesday morning at the suburban Royal Columbian Hospital when a surge of 190 patients led officials to move five patients in hospital beds to the nearby Tim Hortons restaurant until the backlog could be cleared, The (Vancouver) Province reported.

The restaurant was closed and patients were separated by screens and monitored by medical staff, hospital officials said. The facility was cleaned after the patients were taken out. Provincial Health Minister Colin Hansen acknowledged the first-ever use of a coffee shop was unorthodox, but praised the hospital staff's ingenuity. "I think every emergency room in the province faces days when an unusual number of people will come through the doors," said Hansen. "The hospital staff, I think they did a good job of responding."

I hate politics, I do. Between that and Shakespeare its like choosing between freezing to death and burning to death. Just flip a coin because their both going to be painful as hell. I mean I can't understand the language of either and they both lie their asses off. Both Shakespeare and Politics have tons of sex, drugs, and corruption going on. With that said, I got so sick of hearing about the health care issue that I just didn't care anymore. Everyone seemed to want this and everyone talked about how Canada's system is so much better then ours. Well just read this article and tell me you still want to be like Canada. 

Just imagine thinking your being rushed to the emergency room and the driver hangs a left to a Dunkin Donuts. I would freak the fuck out. Just start throwing munchkins everywhere. Some guy is in the ER getting a nice morphine drip and I am in agony in some make-shift hospital room all hopped up on coffee beans. All the while, Canada is praising them for the "staffs ingenuity?"....God Bless America!

Ultimate Fail

Im not what you would call an "extreme" guy. I tend to play it safe. Other then when im drinking, I make pretty solid / safe decisions. I mean don't get me wrong, I wish I was extreme! Every night I pray that I will wake up and be the next Travis Pastrana or something. You know why? cause chicks dig extreme dudes. Look at Sean White. He is a dose of steroids short of being carrot top and look at the ass he pulls. Did you watch the x-games? there was smokeshows everywhere you looked.


So yeah I want to be extreme, I just know im not. Which is why I enjoy videos like this. This reminds me of why I don't do shit like ski straight down a mountain covered in rocks. To be honest this would probably be best case scenario for me. I would probably get way less hurt falling backwards then trying to use skill and ski successfully down the mountain. Kind of like how the drunk driver never dies. Just so fucking caught off guard that your limber as shit. Lets just hope these guys remembered rule #18....Limber Up!

Man Arrested For Driving In Reverse For 3 Miles

GLENDALE, Calif. — A Glendale man allegedly drove in reverse for more than three miles down North Glendale Avenue on Saturday, without crashing or hurting anyone.An off-duty police officer saw Gurgen Gukasyan, 49, driving at about 30 miles per hour with his right arm on the passenger seat and his head turned, according to the Glendale News Press.Gukasyan was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of reckless driving, according to the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department inmate report. Gukasyan was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol and no injuries were reported, Glendale police Sgt. Tom Lorenz told the Glendale News Press.He reportedly told police he was driving to a friend's home. "This is just sheer disregard for public safety," Lorenz told the newspaper. "It appears that he did want to take that vehicle and have some fun with it."

But this isn't the first time Gukasyan has allegedly made the road his playground. He was also arrested in December after he allegedly drove his car onto Verdugo Park, causing thousands of dollars of damage before stopping his car and blasting music. The Los Angeles district attorney's office had not filed charges as of Tuesday morning, said spokeswoman Jane Robinson. Gukasyan was released after posting $5,000 bond.

Im not sure I see the problem here. This guy was driving the speed limit and not running any redlights or anything, so why was he even arrested. I mean if your going to arrest this kid then you might as well start arresting every female driver on the road because this guy went three miles without an accident and that is a hell of a lot further then most women make it.

Also we are in a time of economic struggle and in case you didn't know, when you drive in reverse your odometer doesn't go up.  So this guy is just trying to keep his vehicle from depreciating in value with the extra miles. The way I see it, its no harm no foul. 


Note: im sure his little joyride through the park in December did not help his case.

Get Me This Baby!

I never thought I would say this but I want this baby! I mean I want a baby about as much as I want a pet spider and I fucking hate spiders, so I don't actually want a baby. However, if I were cursed enough that I did have one right now, this is the one I want. Its probably about the only one I could afford right now too. I see all these babies with these high tech / over the top toys that are very expensive. So to have a baby that I can entertain by tearing up scrap paper would make my life a lot easier. Hell if he is good I might even splurge and buy him a shredder for Christmas! Kid will have a heart attack from laughing so hard.


So I am not saying I want a kid, but if you could just cryogenically freeze this kid for a few years or give me a rain check for this one that would be fantastic.


note: if its a girl then all bets are off...

I Want Some Dancing Catepillars!!!!

I usually hate caterpillars. The fact that I use to let them crawl on me is now disturbing. I use to think they were cute, now I just straight up think their scary looking. I don't care if they turn into butterflies....fuck butterflies too. Their just a caterpillar with wings. The whole transformation creeps me out too. 

However with that said, if your going to give me a herd of caterpillars that is going to dance when I sing, then just tell me where to swipe my credit card. I want multiple sets of these. I want a group for my office, my shower, my car etc. Just blasting music and watching these guys do their thing. I mean I can't wait to see these caterpillars do the cha cha slide. These guys will be dead by the time the song is over, "two hops this time!"

Classic Yearbook Photo

 If you think im not going to Ebay right after I post this in attempt to find this year book your nuts. Its not just the obvious goth thats great. Actually, other then the gothic part there is nothing obvious about that student. Male or female? why red roses and not black flowers? and why is this persons name whited out and not the others? Anyways it would seem this class had a bunch of characters. Hell, I bet that Hickman and Idzan were like the bash brothers of the chess team. This is just 3 students out of hundreds in this yearbook and I want to see them all!

Ever Wonder What 32,000 Firecrackers Going Off At Once Looks Like?

I can only assume this is what it must be like for when a girl gets all excited to fuck some big celebrity or an athlete and it just doesn't live up to their expectation. I mean you read the title and you really build this thing up and think its going to be this amazing experience. Here you have this big time athlete or in this case 32,000 firecrackers and your bracing yourself for the ride of your life. However its all over in about a minute and all you really got was a bunch of loud noises and a big mess to clean up.

BREAKING NEWS: Christina Aguilera Arrested

By NewsCore - Raunchy songstress Christina Aguilera was arrested early Monday in Los Angeles for public intoxication along with her boyfriend, who was arrested for driving under the influence, TMZ reported.

Notice I said "breaking news" and not "shocking news." After that award winning performance at the Superbowl, nothing she does from here on out is going to shock me. If Christina Aguilera was a stock, I would be shorting the shit out of it. I would go to the bank right now, take out the maximum loan I could get, short Aguilera's stock and then start sailing to the Caribbean Islands now because it is that much of a guarantee that her career is about to spiral out of control. This is a train-wreck that Denzel Washington couldn't even stop. Oh and if you already had stock in Christina.....SELL! SELL! SELL! 

Father Shoots Himself, Then Son Shoots Mother as She Tries To Help Father?

BAY MINETTE, Ala. — A small child accidentally shot his mother Saturday night after finding the gun by the side of his injured father — who had just accidentally shot himself, the Baldwin County Sheriff's Office said.  Around 9 p.m. the BCSO was alerted to the shooting at 4621 Old Carney Road in Bay Minette. When they arrived at the home they found Allen and Aleisha Jones injured by gunshots.

The couple's two small children were at the residence when the incident happened. Their daughter was upstairs asleep at the time. When questioned by authorities, Allen Jones stated he had taken his Glock .40 handgun from the glove compartment of his truck. He was walking to the house when he tripped and fell. The gun discharged, and he was hit in the leg just above the knee, he told police. Jones yelled to his wife for help. Aleisha Jones was upstairs bathing their young son when she heard her husband's call for help. When she arrived on the screened porch, she tried to secure the gun but her son beat her to it. As she attempted to take the gun from the child, a round fired. Aleisha Jones was hit in the left side of her neck.
A neighbor heard the gunshots and cries for help and came to Aleisha Jones's aid. The neighbor's husband called 911. When authorities arrived, Allen and Aleisha Jones were transported to USA Medical Center in Mobile. Investigators say the individuals' stories parallel each other. At last report, the Joneses were in stable condition with injuries that did not appear life-threatening. No charges have been filed.

WTF? what did I just read. This is one of those stories where if everyone who read it had to act out what they invisioned, there would be a thousand different answers. I don't believe any of this. Not a damn bit of it. So the father was walking into his house with his glock .40, no big deal, and proceeded to trip and shoot himeself in the leg? Then comes the sketchiest part of this whole story. They say the mother is upstairs bathing her son, when she hears screams she runs downstairs but her son had beat her to it. So this kid jumped out of the tub naked, sprinted past her mom without her noticing, picked up a glock .40 and fired a perfect shot to the neck? Is this Jack Bauer's kid?

I don't know what happened but I KNOW this whole story is covering something up. Pieces just don't fit. Just be prepared to hear me say "I told you so" when the truth surfaces.

Kid Has Way Too Much Time

NORTHFIELD, Minn. — You wouldn't think a student at one of Minnesota's most demanding and prestigious colleges would have this much time on his hands. Carleton College student Corey Fauver filmed the evolution of his burgeoning beard over the course of more than a year's time. He took the equivalent of one photo per day and edited them in a dizzying sequence that takes the beard from mere stubble to busy mountain man territory and back again. Fauver's video was not just a personal indulgence: It took second place in Carleton's Goldon Schillers short film contest last Friday, and is now gaining "must click" status on the Internet.

I don't know whether this is cool or just creepy. On one hand I got to give the kid a lot of credit but when you think about it this kid took a photo of himself everyday for over a year straight. People like this weird me out. However its people like this who are usually internet sensations and become famous or atleast make money. So I guess I can sit here all I want but this kids making moves!

Strippers Shoe Chips Indian Mans tooth

INDIANAPOLIS, Feb. 27- An Indiana man's lawsuit for injuries he suffered when a stripper's shoe flew off during a performance and hit him in the teeth isn't far-fetched, lawyers say.  Jake Quagliaroli, 34, of Indianapolis sat approximately 20 feet from the stage at PT's Showclub when the shoe hit him in the face and chipped his front teeth, the Indianapolis Star reported Friday. Quagliaroli got veneers, which will require replacement every 10 or 15 years. He also got temporary caps and may need a root canal at some future time, said Ali Saeed, his lawyer.  Quagliaroli's complaint said the incident will cause him to suffer "lifelong dental injuries." "The fact is that (Quagliaroli) walked into someplace and wasn't anticipating injury, and walked out of there with chipped teeth and potentially lifelong dental injuries," said Saeed.

You got to feel for this guy. He walks into a strip club, probably lonely, looking to see some tits an ass and take his mind of things. Poor guy doesn't even get a good seat, he is 20 feet from the stage. Probably looks over to signal the waitress that he needs another scotch on the rocks, meanwhile some amature stripper is trying to show off and does a fucking karate kick and shoots her 6 inch stilettos off like a missle. By the time Jake turns his head there is a glass heal in his face and he has "lifelong dental injuries."

Does This Look Like The Face Of a Woman Who Got a DUI and Used To Be President Of MADD

Debra Oberlin, a former president of a defunct chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, was arrested recently by the Gainesville, Fla. police - for drunk driving, according to the Gainesville Sun. Oberlin, who's 48, was arrested after she had difficulty on a field sobriety test, according to the Sun. She registered a .234 and .239 on breath alcohol tests, nearly three times Florida's legal limit for driving. On Feb. 18 at 1:10 a.m., an officer spotted Oberlin driving erratically, swerving and crossing lanes, an arrest report states. She was pulled over, and the officer reported that Oberlin smelled of alcohol and had watery, bloodshot and dilated eyes. The report also states that Oberlin told the officer she had four beers, according to the newspaper.

This is pretty ironic huh? Could have been a line right out of Alanis Morissette's song... "its like the president of MADD, getting a D-U-I." Normally I think DUI's can be slightly overrated. I mean they are so highly frowned upon yet everybody drinks and drives. However this is an exception. You want to be president of a group against drunk drivers then act like a fucking president. First off .234 is a pretty decent score on the breathalyzer, so its not like this woman got screwed over with a .09 or something. Second, never and i mean NEVER tell the cop that you had 4 beers. Especially when your driving like Stevie Wonder.

Know When to Quit

So I saw this clip on the internet of this guy jumping over freakishly high hurdles.



Now I was too busy playing real sports to ever do track. Sorry it just never appealed to me to do a sport where your main event is what we dread doing everyday in practice....that is running. However, I will give credit where credit is do, because the first time I saw the hurdles set up they were pretty far away. I talked a big game and made fun of hurdlers. When I tried backing up my talk, I noticed the hurdles were getting higher with every step I took. I bitched out at the last second and gave a tough guy "im not doing that shit" remark.

Its still not a sport in my book. Sorry its just not. What I don't get though is when people don't know when to quit. Like if you see this clip on youtube of some guy hurdleing field goal posts and then you review your last track match and it looks like this...



I think its time to throw in the towel buddy. Try cross country, their always looking for "athletes"

Quick Question

If you have a condom pillow do you still need to wear protection?

Does This Look Like The Face of A Guy That Would Spit His Own Shit in An Officers Face?

DURANGO, Colo., Feb. 24 - Police in Colorado said a man arrested on suspicion of drunken driving put feces in his mouth and spit them at an officer. Police said Kausalik failed a field sobriety test and a preliminary breath test indicated he had a blood alcohol content of .142, nearly three times Colorado's legal driving limit of .05.
Kausalik was taken to the police station for a formal blood test and asked to use the bathroom, police said. Officer Chad Langley said he could tell Kausalik had something in his mouth when he emerged from the bathroom. "As I observed what he had in his mouth, I took a step back and began turning my head as he violently spit the contents of his mouth toward my face," Langley wrote in his report. "I felt the matter strike the left side of my face and head." The report said the substance was identified as feces and Kausalik also had the waste on his hands.


If there was ever a time that police brutality would be excused I think this is the case. I use to think someone spitting in your face was the most disrescpectful thing a human could do. However leave it to this guy to prove me wrong by shoving his own shit in his mouth and going Daffy Duck on this cops face.

This serves the cop right though. Did he never see the movie Instinct? This is what happens when you arrest Anthony Hopkins who has lived with gorillas his whole life. You piss him off  by arresting him and he is obviously going to go ape shit (pun intended) on your ass and start throwing/spitting his feces all over you. Its a natural reaction when you were raised by gorillas. So you can charge him with whatever you want, but the truth is he is just going to hire Cuba Gooding Jr. as a lawyer and then escape back to the jungle anyways.

2 Guys Rob Convenience Store With 4 Cops In It

The two men apparently didn't notice the four deputies inside the Chevron Food Mart in the 14000 block of Rosecrans Avenue in La Mirada or the pair of marked patrol vehicles parked on the side of the store when they attempted to steal $18.76 worth of merchandise just before 4 a.m. Jan. 23, authorities said.

Surveillance video released by the Sheriff's Department on Wednesday shows the pair entering the food mart shortly after the deputies, walking around the store for about 30 seconds before grabbing snacks and beer and running out the store. Four deputies chased the two men, reportedly catching them as they tried to enter their vehicle.

You know how when they interview someone after they do something heroic they usually say " I don't remember much, I couldn't see anything around me just what I was focused on." Well apparently the same can be said for when you rob a gas station.

Its not like there was just one cop, there was four of them. They weren't even close to being undercover either, so I have no sympathy for these kids. What I really want to know though is who was the last cop to leave the store. Great response time big guy! He clearly took the time to finish making his hot dog before he even thought of getting in on the chase. He looked like favra from Super Troopers, just the joke of the force. Guy is probably still sucking wind.

Easy Bake Ovens

PAWTUCKET, R.I., Feb. 24 (UPI) -- Rhode Island toymaker Hasbro said a redesigned Easy-Bake oven will hit the market when 100-watt light bulbs cease to be manufactured. This new oven features a different heating element and offers an extensive assortment of mixes reflective of the hottest baking trends for today."

This is basically a pointless article. Like whoever passed this one into their boss must have some serious tenure/job sercurity. Talk about just packing it in at the end of you career. I mean the whole point of the story is that since they will no longer be making 100-watt light bulbs, Easy Bake Oven will switch light bulbs....NO SHIT. You could have put any toy or device that uses a 100-watt light bulb and written the same fucking story. Easy Bake oven isn't going to just shutdown their entire operation because 100-watt light bulbs are no longer being made. They will just switch to whatever cheap light bulb is safe enough to use.

The whole reason I even blogged about this is because it reminded me of the fact that this was the one toy that ever had me wishing I was a girl. Make fun of me all you want but every year my christmas list looked like this:

DEAR SANTA,

HERE IS A LIST OF THE THINGS I WANT, IN THE ORDER THAT I WANT THEM

#1 EASY BAKE OVEN
#1 Nerf Guns
#2 G.I. Joes

I wanted it so bad but my heterosexual side just wouldn't let me pull the trigger on asking for it. Probably a good thing though. I suck at dishes. I would have made one batch of brownies, with every fucking piece of candy imaginable in it, and then it would have just sat there covered in chocolate for years.

Man Sexually Assaults His Chihuaha

A 40-year-old Oakland Park man has been arrested for sexual assult on a dog. The dog’s owner says the 3-year-old chihuahua mix is recovering but is “not happy like she normally is.”

  

 Clemente Velasquez says he found roommate Tomas Bautista passed out, drunk, with his pants down and Mimi, the dog, bleeding and running away from him.

Imagine being the roomate? I mean I have walked in on my roomate masturbating before and it was kind of awkward for a few days. I can't even imagine storming in and seeing my roomate passed out, pants around his ankles, and our tiny pet chihuahua is bleeding out of her ass.

I love how the dog's owner says; "not happy like she normally is" as though he is surprised. Little Mimi just got ass raped by something that is 18 times bigger then her. It doesn't take Dr. Doolittle to know the dog is "not happy." Better send that dog to a psychologist ASAP because I got a hunch it's going to develop some slight trust issues.

Baseball Stadium Asking Fans What To Sell

The West Michigan Whitecaps baseball team is allowing Web site visitors to vote on potential ballpark menu items including bologna lollipops.

Whatever you are thinking in your head of what the options are going to be, throw them out, go smoke a blunt and then start imagining new choices because these are the complete opposite of what you would want at a baseball game. I hate when american past times stray away from what has worked for so long. Like the other day I went into the movie theatre and I was appauled at what I saw. When I walk into a movie theatre I want to smell buttery popcorn. Instead there was people eating pizza, chicken fingers, nachos + cheese....which are all great foods but have no business in a movie theatre.

So here are you choices.

1) Bologna on a stick. This had to be some kind of joke right. I would vomit if i had to watch some overweight bastard make love to this meat popsicle.

2) Vegetables + Hummus. Now granted this might actually sell with all the ladies but if "pink hats" pissed you off because they don't know shit about the game, then just imagine how much more pissed off you will be when some girl sitting next to you says "This sport is boring....I want some more vegetables and hummus!"

 3) Honey Bun Bacon Burger.  This is what I meant by go smoke a blunt and get back to me because if you were a stoner and watching a baseball game and somebody brought this over to you, you might cream your pants. However if im slugging beers in the 5th inning I would rather not have this thing sit in the bottom of my stomach for the next 8 days. Good luck putting down a few more beers after eating this thing.

4) Mac n Cheese Burger Burrito. Its description is: combo of mac and cheese, ground beef, lettuce, tomato and salsa all wrapped up in a fresh tortilla. Now this one I might actually vote for.

5) Meat Man Parfait.    "beef, pork and mashed spuds, all covered by barbeque sauce..." Im sorry but anything that even remotely reminds me of "2 girls 1 cup" doesn't stand a chance.

6) Meat Salad  "Beef brisket, hot dogs, pulled pork, pulled chicken, gyro meat, Johnsonville bratwurst and hamburger." First of all the moment you sit down with this thing, you have just conceided any chance of hooking up with anygirl within eyesight. You can also conceide that this dish is going to look exactly the same on the way out as it did on the way in.

7) Sonoran Dog -"A bacon-wrapped all beef Hebrew National hot dog is always a good idea - that is a given." This little Hebrew Hotdog is actually a great idea....problem is no way a jewish guy is forking over $8 for it.

8) The Big O Sandwich - "but if it's always been your dream to pack pulled pork, beef and boneless chicken wings plus two layers of Provolone cheese onto a hoagie roll, smother it in jalapenos, potato wedges and barbeque sauce, and top it with an onion ring - consider your prayers answered" Your prayers will also have been answered if its your dream to have a heart attack and die at a baseball stadium. If your arteries manage to not completely clog up, you can guarantee your new $70 baseball jersey is covered in stains.

9) Duck, Hog, Frog Dog- You buy a anything with frog legs on it, im never bringing you to another game ever again. Thats a fact.

10) Walking Spaghetti - "We smother the giant 16-inch loaf of Cole's garlic bread with a pound of spaghetti, meatballs, a quart of marinara and a pound of cheese." I actually don't mind this. If your sons having a birthday party and all the kids are bitching "im hungry!' instead of every two innings having to go order 8 frog leg hotdogs, you just slam this down infront of them in the first inning and tell them to shutup until they finished eating.

Music Teacher Steals and Sells His Students Instruments

ORANGE CITY, Fla.  — A Florida music teacher has been charged with pawning instruments that belonged to students and the school where he worked. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said that 26-year-old James Morris was arrested Wednesday and charged with 14 counts of dealing in stolen property. He was released on bail.

Deputies began investigating after six students at University High School in Orange City reported their guitars stolen. Two guitars, two violins and other equipment belonging to the school also went missing.

The sheriff's office says Morris, who claimed to have a gambling problem, confessed to taking the instruments earlier this month and resigned from his job. Investigators say Morris made $825 between October and January.

This shouldn't come to a suprise to anyone. Music teachers have been secretly corrupt since the beginning of education. It has to be the worst job out there. Unless you work at Berklee or some other school for music, your going to be miserable. I mean just imagine coming in either pissed off, depressed, hungover or a combination of all three and you got to listen to these weirdo music kids just going nuts on their instruments. There is probably 1 decent kid in every class who can actually play their instrument and the rest of them just dick around and make loud racket.

It was a known fact that my middle school music teacher had a flask tucked away in his piano. If the kids knew it, you can guarantee the faculty knew it. However what did they care, their paying the guy peanuts and they know they would be doing the same thing so they just let it slide.

In this case Mr. Morris probably hated his job as usual, was reading barstoolsports on his phone while teaching, saw one of El Pres's mortal locks and thought "holy shit, this could be my ticket out of here!" Well if there is one thing I have learned its that gambling "is a slippery slope." First your betting $50 you can easily afford, next thing you know you got your whole paycheck, Sammy's guitar, Lucy's clarinet, Billy's trumbone and the blind kid's triangle on a Salem State College game because your trying to chase your money.

Fake or Real?

#1)


#2)


#3)


Initially I said they were all fake. I mean #1 is just impossible, and #3 would just be ridiculous. However some countries do some crazy shit and to be honest I would be more surprised that #1 was real then #3. Either way the clapping at the end of #3 makes the video.

Now the one that gave me problems was #2. At first I said no way its real. I mean how does the crowd not go ape shit when a guy does a cartwheel return in a ping pong match. Yet the more I watch the more I think its real. So I say #'s 1,3 are fake and #2 are real... although I have a lot of people telling me #1 is possible. Is #1 even remotely possible?

Does This Look Like The Face of A Man Who Refused To Pay For Cigarettes Because He Claimed He Was A King?

WARREN, Mich.  — Warren police said a man has been charged after he told a store clerk he didn't have to pay for cigarettes because he was a king.  Joseph Lawrence Borowiak is charged with strong-arm robbery and resisting arrest after being accused of threatening a 7-Eleven store clerk on Saturday.  Police said Borowiak went into the store on Schoenherr and 12 Mile roads at about 6:30 a.m. and asked the clerk for a pack of cigarettes.

Borowiak told the clerk he wasn't going to pay for the cigarettes because he was a king and didn't have to, police said. He tried to grab the cigarettes, swung at the clerk and then ran out, police said.

A witness in the store was able to direct police to the area where Borowiak had last been seen walking.

Police said he did not immediately surrender when they found him in front a funeral home further down Schoenherr Road and officers used a Taser on him to quell him.  Police said Borowiak has a criminal history that includes a cocaine possession conviction.

Fake it till you make it right? If your not a king yet, you march into that store, grab the cigarettes, look at the cashier in the face and if he even attempts to charge you then you swing at the clerk. Thats what a king would do! If some peasant tried to charge King Henry for some tobacco, he would be instantly beheaded infront of the entire village.

So I think you got to respect this guy for sticking to his story. Im not saying there aren't smarter ways of getting a pack of cigarettes but if this is the plan you came up with then you stick to it!

Woman Threatened to Take Down Christmas Decorations

WINTHROP, Mass., Feb. 23 - A Massachusetts woman whose Christmas decorations are still up said she augmented the display after receiving an anonymous letter asking her to take it down. Lauren Craig of Winthrop said she only had two small trees, a strand of icicle lights and a leprechaun to herald the coming of St. Patrick's Day out Saturday when she received a letter reading, "We notice that you still seem to have your Christmas lights up. I'm not sure if you are aware, but Christmas is over," WHDH-TV, Boston, reported Tuesday.

"Now let me ask why you would have Christmas lights with a leprechaun on your door?" the letter asked.
Craig said she thought the letter was a joke until it ended with the statement: "Something needs to be done. You have 3 days!!!"
"I actually liked keeping them up because it's so dark in the winter and it's been such a long, cold winter that it looked pretty at night," Craig said.

Craig said she responded to the letter, which did not specify consequences for missing the deadline, by buying all the Christmas and St. Patrick's day decorations she could find for her home. She said the display will culminate in a Christmas-themed party. "It's kind of like mess with the bull and you're gonna get the horns," Craig said. She said the Christmas decorations will remain in place for at least one more week.

I can't lie this article grabbed my attention because I too still have my christmas lights/decorations up. I know were the only people in the neighborhood with them up, but incase you haven't noticed we have had 2 feet of snow on the ground since December. In order to get these lights up in the first place, my roomate was running around the roof with no concern for his life and that was with no snow or ice.

To be honest I probably would have wiped my ass with this letter if I received it. That is until I got to the part that said "you have 3 days."  As tough as I would like to pretend I am, I know there are certain people you just don't fuck around with and let me tell you, the guy who writes you a letter, threatening you with 3 days to take down christmas decorations is somebody you DO NOT want to piss off.

This is like a scene out of a horror film where the pshyco killer has given his neighbors a chance to live and instead of just taking down their decorations, he watches them through his blinds as they put up more lights and sing christmas carols. Well in a week from now when nobody has seen Lauren Craig, you might want to take a look in the neighbors freezer or floorboards because something tells me thats where she will be.