Kid Has Way Too Much Time

NORTHFIELD, Minn. — You wouldn't think a student at one of Minnesota's most demanding and prestigious colleges would have this much time on his hands. Carleton College student Corey Fauver filmed the evolution of his burgeoning beard over the course of more than a year's time. He took the equivalent of one photo per day and edited them in a dizzying sequence that takes the beard from mere stubble to busy mountain man territory and back again. Fauver's video was not just a personal indulgence: It took second place in Carleton's Goldon Schillers short film contest last Friday, and is now gaining "must click" status on the Internet.

I don't know whether this is cool or just creepy. On one hand I got to give the kid a lot of credit but when you think about it this kid took a photo of himself everyday for over a year straight. People like this weird me out. However its people like this who are usually internet sensations and become famous or atleast make money. So I guess I can sit here all I want but this kids making moves!

Strippers Shoe Chips Indian Mans tooth

INDIANAPOLIS, Feb. 27- An Indiana man's lawsuit for injuries he suffered when a stripper's shoe flew off during a performance and hit him in the teeth isn't far-fetched, lawyers say.  Jake Quagliaroli, 34, of Indianapolis sat approximately 20 feet from the stage at PT's Showclub when the shoe hit him in the face and chipped his front teeth, the Indianapolis Star reported Friday. Quagliaroli got veneers, which will require replacement every 10 or 15 years. He also got temporary caps and may need a root canal at some future time, said Ali Saeed, his lawyer.  Quagliaroli's complaint said the incident will cause him to suffer "lifelong dental injuries." "The fact is that (Quagliaroli) walked into someplace and wasn't anticipating injury, and walked out of there with chipped teeth and potentially lifelong dental injuries," said Saeed.

You got to feel for this guy. He walks into a strip club, probably lonely, looking to see some tits an ass and take his mind of things. Poor guy doesn't even get a good seat, he is 20 feet from the stage. Probably looks over to signal the waitress that he needs another scotch on the rocks, meanwhile some amature stripper is trying to show off and does a fucking karate kick and shoots her 6 inch stilettos off like a missle. By the time Jake turns his head there is a glass heal in his face and he has "lifelong dental injuries."

Does This Look Like The Face Of a Woman Who Got a DUI and Used To Be President Of MADD

Debra Oberlin, a former president of a defunct chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving, was arrested recently by the Gainesville, Fla. police - for drunk driving, according to the Gainesville Sun. Oberlin, who's 48, was arrested after she had difficulty on a field sobriety test, according to the Sun. She registered a .234 and .239 on breath alcohol tests, nearly three times Florida's legal limit for driving. On Feb. 18 at 1:10 a.m., an officer spotted Oberlin driving erratically, swerving and crossing lanes, an arrest report states. She was pulled over, and the officer reported that Oberlin smelled of alcohol and had watery, bloodshot and dilated eyes. The report also states that Oberlin told the officer she had four beers, according to the newspaper.

This is pretty ironic huh? Could have been a line right out of Alanis Morissette's song... "its like the president of MADD, getting a D-U-I." Normally I think DUI's can be slightly overrated. I mean they are so highly frowned upon yet everybody drinks and drives. However this is an exception. You want to be president of a group against drunk drivers then act like a fucking president. First off .234 is a pretty decent score on the breathalyzer, so its not like this woman got screwed over with a .09 or something. Second, never and i mean NEVER tell the cop that you had 4 beers. Especially when your driving like Stevie Wonder.

Know When to Quit

So I saw this clip on the internet of this guy jumping over freakishly high hurdles.



Now I was too busy playing real sports to ever do track. Sorry it just never appealed to me to do a sport where your main event is what we dread doing everyday in practice....that is running. However, I will give credit where credit is do, because the first time I saw the hurdles set up they were pretty far away. I talked a big game and made fun of hurdlers. When I tried backing up my talk, I noticed the hurdles were getting higher with every step I took. I bitched out at the last second and gave a tough guy "im not doing that shit" remark.

Its still not a sport in my book. Sorry its just not. What I don't get though is when people don't know when to quit. Like if you see this clip on youtube of some guy hurdleing field goal posts and then you review your last track match and it looks like this...



I think its time to throw in the towel buddy. Try cross country, their always looking for "athletes"

Quick Question

If you have a condom pillow do you still need to wear protection?

Does This Look Like The Face of A Guy That Would Spit His Own Shit in An Officers Face?

DURANGO, Colo., Feb. 24 - Police in Colorado said a man arrested on suspicion of drunken driving put feces in his mouth and spit them at an officer. Police said Kausalik failed a field sobriety test and a preliminary breath test indicated he had a blood alcohol content of .142, nearly three times Colorado's legal driving limit of .05.
Kausalik was taken to the police station for a formal blood test and asked to use the bathroom, police said. Officer Chad Langley said he could tell Kausalik had something in his mouth when he emerged from the bathroom. "As I observed what he had in his mouth, I took a step back and began turning my head as he violently spit the contents of his mouth toward my face," Langley wrote in his report. "I felt the matter strike the left side of my face and head." The report said the substance was identified as feces and Kausalik also had the waste on his hands.


If there was ever a time that police brutality would be excused I think this is the case. I use to think someone spitting in your face was the most disrescpectful thing a human could do. However leave it to this guy to prove me wrong by shoving his own shit in his mouth and going Daffy Duck on this cops face.

This serves the cop right though. Did he never see the movie Instinct? This is what happens when you arrest Anthony Hopkins who has lived with gorillas his whole life. You piss him off  by arresting him and he is obviously going to go ape shit (pun intended) on your ass and start throwing/spitting his feces all over you. Its a natural reaction when you were raised by gorillas. So you can charge him with whatever you want, but the truth is he is just going to hire Cuba Gooding Jr. as a lawyer and then escape back to the jungle anyways.

2 Guys Rob Convenience Store With 4 Cops In It

The two men apparently didn't notice the four deputies inside the Chevron Food Mart in the 14000 block of Rosecrans Avenue in La Mirada or the pair of marked patrol vehicles parked on the side of the store when they attempted to steal $18.76 worth of merchandise just before 4 a.m. Jan. 23, authorities said.

Surveillance video released by the Sheriff's Department on Wednesday shows the pair entering the food mart shortly after the deputies, walking around the store for about 30 seconds before grabbing snacks and beer and running out the store. Four deputies chased the two men, reportedly catching them as they tried to enter their vehicle.

You know how when they interview someone after they do something heroic they usually say " I don't remember much, I couldn't see anything around me just what I was focused on." Well apparently the same can be said for when you rob a gas station.

Its not like there was just one cop, there was four of them. They weren't even close to being undercover either, so I have no sympathy for these kids. What I really want to know though is who was the last cop to leave the store. Great response time big guy! He clearly took the time to finish making his hot dog before he even thought of getting in on the chase. He looked like favra from Super Troopers, just the joke of the force. Guy is probably still sucking wind.

Easy Bake Ovens

PAWTUCKET, R.I., Feb. 24 (UPI) -- Rhode Island toymaker Hasbro said a redesigned Easy-Bake oven will hit the market when 100-watt light bulbs cease to be manufactured. This new oven features a different heating element and offers an extensive assortment of mixes reflective of the hottest baking trends for today."

This is basically a pointless article. Like whoever passed this one into their boss must have some serious tenure/job sercurity. Talk about just packing it in at the end of you career. I mean the whole point of the story is that since they will no longer be making 100-watt light bulbs, Easy Bake Oven will switch light bulbs....NO SHIT. You could have put any toy or device that uses a 100-watt light bulb and written the same fucking story. Easy Bake oven isn't going to just shutdown their entire operation because 100-watt light bulbs are no longer being made. They will just switch to whatever cheap light bulb is safe enough to use.

The whole reason I even blogged about this is because it reminded me of the fact that this was the one toy that ever had me wishing I was a girl. Make fun of me all you want but every year my christmas list looked like this:

DEAR SANTA,

HERE IS A LIST OF THE THINGS I WANT, IN THE ORDER THAT I WANT THEM

#1 EASY BAKE OVEN
#1 Nerf Guns
#2 G.I. Joes

I wanted it so bad but my heterosexual side just wouldn't let me pull the trigger on asking for it. Probably a good thing though. I suck at dishes. I would have made one batch of brownies, with every fucking piece of candy imaginable in it, and then it would have just sat there covered in chocolate for years.

Man Sexually Assaults His Chihuaha

A 40-year-old Oakland Park man has been arrested for sexual assult on a dog. The dog’s owner says the 3-year-old chihuahua mix is recovering but is “not happy like she normally is.”

  

 Clemente Velasquez says he found roommate Tomas Bautista passed out, drunk, with his pants down and Mimi, the dog, bleeding and running away from him.

Imagine being the roomate? I mean I have walked in on my roomate masturbating before and it was kind of awkward for a few days. I can't even imagine storming in and seeing my roomate passed out, pants around his ankles, and our tiny pet chihuahua is bleeding out of her ass.

I love how the dog's owner says; "not happy like she normally is" as though he is surprised. Little Mimi just got ass raped by something that is 18 times bigger then her. It doesn't take Dr. Doolittle to know the dog is "not happy." Better send that dog to a psychologist ASAP because I got a hunch it's going to develop some slight trust issues.

Baseball Stadium Asking Fans What To Sell

The West Michigan Whitecaps baseball team is allowing Web site visitors to vote on potential ballpark menu items including bologna lollipops.

Whatever you are thinking in your head of what the options are going to be, throw them out, go smoke a blunt and then start imagining new choices because these are the complete opposite of what you would want at a baseball game. I hate when american past times stray away from what has worked for so long. Like the other day I went into the movie theatre and I was appauled at what I saw. When I walk into a movie theatre I want to smell buttery popcorn. Instead there was people eating pizza, chicken fingers, nachos + cheese....which are all great foods but have no business in a movie theatre.

So here are you choices.

1) Bologna on a stick. This had to be some kind of joke right. I would vomit if i had to watch some overweight bastard make love to this meat popsicle.

2) Vegetables + Hummus. Now granted this might actually sell with all the ladies but if "pink hats" pissed you off because they don't know shit about the game, then just imagine how much more pissed off you will be when some girl sitting next to you says "This sport is boring....I want some more vegetables and hummus!"

 3) Honey Bun Bacon Burger.  This is what I meant by go smoke a blunt and get back to me because if you were a stoner and watching a baseball game and somebody brought this over to you, you might cream your pants. However if im slugging beers in the 5th inning I would rather not have this thing sit in the bottom of my stomach for the next 8 days. Good luck putting down a few more beers after eating this thing.

4) Mac n Cheese Burger Burrito. Its description is: combo of mac and cheese, ground beef, lettuce, tomato and salsa all wrapped up in a fresh tortilla. Now this one I might actually vote for.

5) Meat Man Parfait.    "beef, pork and mashed spuds, all covered by barbeque sauce..." Im sorry but anything that even remotely reminds me of "2 girls 1 cup" doesn't stand a chance.

6) Meat Salad  "Beef brisket, hot dogs, pulled pork, pulled chicken, gyro meat, Johnsonville bratwurst and hamburger." First of all the moment you sit down with this thing, you have just conceided any chance of hooking up with anygirl within eyesight. You can also conceide that this dish is going to look exactly the same on the way out as it did on the way in.

7) Sonoran Dog -"A bacon-wrapped all beef Hebrew National hot dog is always a good idea - that is a given." This little Hebrew Hotdog is actually a great idea....problem is no way a jewish guy is forking over $8 for it.

8) The Big O Sandwich - "but if it's always been your dream to pack pulled pork, beef and boneless chicken wings plus two layers of Provolone cheese onto a hoagie roll, smother it in jalapenos, potato wedges and barbeque sauce, and top it with an onion ring - consider your prayers answered" Your prayers will also have been answered if its your dream to have a heart attack and die at a baseball stadium. If your arteries manage to not completely clog up, you can guarantee your new $70 baseball jersey is covered in stains.

9) Duck, Hog, Frog Dog- You buy a anything with frog legs on it, im never bringing you to another game ever again. Thats a fact.

10) Walking Spaghetti - "We smother the giant 16-inch loaf of Cole's garlic bread with a pound of spaghetti, meatballs, a quart of marinara and a pound of cheese." I actually don't mind this. If your sons having a birthday party and all the kids are bitching "im hungry!' instead of every two innings having to go order 8 frog leg hotdogs, you just slam this down infront of them in the first inning and tell them to shutup until they finished eating.

Music Teacher Steals and Sells His Students Instruments

ORANGE CITY, Fla.  — A Florida music teacher has been charged with pawning instruments that belonged to students and the school where he worked. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office said that 26-year-old James Morris was arrested Wednesday and charged with 14 counts of dealing in stolen property. He was released on bail.

Deputies began investigating after six students at University High School in Orange City reported their guitars stolen. Two guitars, two violins and other equipment belonging to the school also went missing.

The sheriff's office says Morris, who claimed to have a gambling problem, confessed to taking the instruments earlier this month and resigned from his job. Investigators say Morris made $825 between October and January.

This shouldn't come to a suprise to anyone. Music teachers have been secretly corrupt since the beginning of education. It has to be the worst job out there. Unless you work at Berklee or some other school for music, your going to be miserable. I mean just imagine coming in either pissed off, depressed, hungover or a combination of all three and you got to listen to these weirdo music kids just going nuts on their instruments. There is probably 1 decent kid in every class who can actually play their instrument and the rest of them just dick around and make loud racket.

It was a known fact that my middle school music teacher had a flask tucked away in his piano. If the kids knew it, you can guarantee the faculty knew it. However what did they care, their paying the guy peanuts and they know they would be doing the same thing so they just let it slide.

In this case Mr. Morris probably hated his job as usual, was reading barstoolsports on his phone while teaching, saw one of El Pres's mortal locks and thought "holy shit, this could be my ticket out of here!" Well if there is one thing I have learned its that gambling "is a slippery slope." First your betting $50 you can easily afford, next thing you know you got your whole paycheck, Sammy's guitar, Lucy's clarinet, Billy's trumbone and the blind kid's triangle on a Salem State College game because your trying to chase your money.

Fake or Real?

#1)


#2)


#3)


Initially I said they were all fake. I mean #1 is just impossible, and #3 would just be ridiculous. However some countries do some crazy shit and to be honest I would be more surprised that #1 was real then #3. Either way the clapping at the end of #3 makes the video.

Now the one that gave me problems was #2. At first I said no way its real. I mean how does the crowd not go ape shit when a guy does a cartwheel return in a ping pong match. Yet the more I watch the more I think its real. So I say #'s 1,3 are fake and #2 are real... although I have a lot of people telling me #1 is possible. Is #1 even remotely possible?

Does This Look Like The Face of A Man Who Refused To Pay For Cigarettes Because He Claimed He Was A King?

WARREN, Mich.  — Warren police said a man has been charged after he told a store clerk he didn't have to pay for cigarettes because he was a king.  Joseph Lawrence Borowiak is charged with strong-arm robbery and resisting arrest after being accused of threatening a 7-Eleven store clerk on Saturday.  Police said Borowiak went into the store on Schoenherr and 12 Mile roads at about 6:30 a.m. and asked the clerk for a pack of cigarettes.

Borowiak told the clerk he wasn't going to pay for the cigarettes because he was a king and didn't have to, police said. He tried to grab the cigarettes, swung at the clerk and then ran out, police said.

A witness in the store was able to direct police to the area where Borowiak had last been seen walking.

Police said he did not immediately surrender when they found him in front a funeral home further down Schoenherr Road and officers used a Taser on him to quell him.  Police said Borowiak has a criminal history that includes a cocaine possession conviction.

Fake it till you make it right? If your not a king yet, you march into that store, grab the cigarettes, look at the cashier in the face and if he even attempts to charge you then you swing at the clerk. Thats what a king would do! If some peasant tried to charge King Henry for some tobacco, he would be instantly beheaded infront of the entire village.

So I think you got to respect this guy for sticking to his story. Im not saying there aren't smarter ways of getting a pack of cigarettes but if this is the plan you came up with then you stick to it!

Woman Threatened to Take Down Christmas Decorations

WINTHROP, Mass., Feb. 23 - A Massachusetts woman whose Christmas decorations are still up said she augmented the display after receiving an anonymous letter asking her to take it down. Lauren Craig of Winthrop said she only had two small trees, a strand of icicle lights and a leprechaun to herald the coming of St. Patrick's Day out Saturday when she received a letter reading, "We notice that you still seem to have your Christmas lights up. I'm not sure if you are aware, but Christmas is over," WHDH-TV, Boston, reported Tuesday.

"Now let me ask why you would have Christmas lights with a leprechaun on your door?" the letter asked.
Craig said she thought the letter was a joke until it ended with the statement: "Something needs to be done. You have 3 days!!!"
"I actually liked keeping them up because it's so dark in the winter and it's been such a long, cold winter that it looked pretty at night," Craig said.

Craig said she responded to the letter, which did not specify consequences for missing the deadline, by buying all the Christmas and St. Patrick's day decorations she could find for her home. She said the display will culminate in a Christmas-themed party. "It's kind of like mess with the bull and you're gonna get the horns," Craig said. She said the Christmas decorations will remain in place for at least one more week.

I can't lie this article grabbed my attention because I too still have my christmas lights/decorations up. I know were the only people in the neighborhood with them up, but incase you haven't noticed we have had 2 feet of snow on the ground since December. In order to get these lights up in the first place, my roomate was running around the roof with no concern for his life and that was with no snow or ice.

To be honest I probably would have wiped my ass with this letter if I received it. That is until I got to the part that said "you have 3 days."  As tough as I would like to pretend I am, I know there are certain people you just don't fuck around with and let me tell you, the guy who writes you a letter, threatening you with 3 days to take down christmas decorations is somebody you DO NOT want to piss off.

This is like a scene out of a horror film where the pshyco killer has given his neighbors a chance to live and instead of just taking down their decorations, he watches them through his blinds as they put up more lights and sing christmas carols. Well in a week from now when nobody has seen Lauren Craig, you might want to take a look in the neighbors freezer or floorboards because something tells me thats where she will be.

Reader Email: Kevin Garnett is Insane....In an Amazing Way

Ok,
So last night something happened in the Sky Gym that was nothing short of one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen at a basketball practice.  The Mighty Celtics were here from 5:30-7:30pm.  It was just as each of you would expect, big time talent, big time effort, they have all the pieces.  About half way through the practice they start to scrimmage.  First team (Rondo, Sugar Ray, Peace, KG, Perkins) vs. the second team.  It’s a battle and these guys are going at it (ie 24 hours after the all star game..it’s no joke).  About half way through that scrimmage Doc Rivers takes KG out and puts someone else in his place.  Instead of going over and getting water, KG goes right over to the sideline at the OC and, as the scrimmage continues, STARTS SPRINTING UP AND DOWN THE SIDELINE like you would if you were running sprints.  He proceeds to do that for like 2 straight minutes (seriously, a dead full sprint), until Doc puts him back into the scrimmage.  As he walks right past me he says under his breath, I hate f-ckin’ sitting out Doc, let’s go.

 I got goosebumps just reading this story. I mean this is a meaningless scrimmage and KG is acting like its game 7 of the finals. Now I had zero shot of going ANYWHERE in basketball, but I would bitch everytime we had to run suicides or sixteens. Just constantly dry-heaving and sucking wind. Coaches always saying "stand straight up and keep your hands on your head." Fuck that, I will remain hunched over with my hands cemented to my knees and if you let me I will curl up into the fetal position with an oxygen tank. If you thought the Celtics were good before just wait till the second half of the season when they actually start trying. Ill already lock it in and say no chance the Celtics don't take home a championship when you have KG running sprints while "sitting on the bench" in a scrimmage.

Man Names His Daughter "Facebook"

CAIRO, Feb. 22 (UPI) -- An Egyptian man said he named his newborn daughter Facebook in honor of the role the site played in the recent uprising against former President Hosni Mubarak.
The man, whose name was not given, said he chose the name Facebook Jamal Ibrahim after the Facebook social networking Web site played a large part in organizing the protests against Mubarak that led to his resignation, The Guardian reported Tuesday.

Is this real life? I honestly kind of hope the world comes to its end in 2012 if there are going to be people named Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or Eharmoney running around. This poor girl is going to have to explain her name every single time she introduces herself. Not to mention anytime she meets a drunk guy at a bar the conversation is going to be like as useless as the "whos on first" skit

Drunk guy: "hey whats your name"
Facebook " my names facebook"
Drunk guy "your on facebook? whats your name"
Facebook "Facebook!"
Drunk guy "i get that, but whats your name on facebook"

I have always said that you should have to apply for the name of your kid.  This would prevent all of the stupid names we have in the world today. This Board of Names would also have the authority to retire names such as Marge, Betty, Earl, Edna, Gertrude, and the rest of the names that just scream senior citizen.

Does This Look Get This Guy Laid in February?

I was doing a little Sunday Fundaying this weekend over in Southie. We started off at Stats which is apparently a smokeshow factory. I mean this place was an absolute goldmine. 80% of the girls could have been on the cover of a magazine. This lead to some aggressive day drinking. I was just trying to consume the liquid confidence as fast as I could. As im scoping the place for an emotionally shattered smokeshow, I came across this redneck. Now its one thing to rock this look in the summer time but in the middle of February is a different story. Also this was not a case of some kid trying to be funny either. I think he was even wearing a holster and spurs. I didn't see the smokeshows flocking to him so my guess is going to be no, but all it takes is one southern bell to notice this guy and he is going to be knocking boots for sure.

Most Expensive Beds in The World

Posh Tots, a company that makes “the most extraordinary children’s furnishings in the world”, is offering you the chance to buy your little princess a real palace bed, complete with a fiberglass slide, staircase and enchanted balcony, for the modest price of $47,000. If the beds mentioned above are a little out of your league, Posh Tots offers a few cheaper alternatives, like the $22,605 Woodland Princess Castle Bunk Bed

They should just monitor this site and anyone who purchases one of these beds should be shot. If you want to be stupid with your money thats fine, its your money you should be able to do as you please. However the moment you purchase your child a $47,000 bed, you have just guaranteed your son/daughter will be one of the most pompous, arrogant, spoiled douchebags this world has ever seen. It won't be the child's fault either, I mean when your sleeping in a bed that cost more then the average persons car, your going to be an asshole. Thats a fact.

Plus your setting the bar WAY to high for something they are barely going to remember. Im not spoiled but if I slept in a castle for the first few years of my life, my sweet 16 gift sure as hell better be worth over six figures. Might as well start a reality show on these kids now, because their lives are going to be like train wrecks you just can't take your eyes off of.

Lady Gaga Creates Perfume that Smells Like Blood and Semen

Celebrity scents are all the rage in Hollywood, but there's only one star whose posh perfume will whiff of blood and semen.  That's right, blood and semen.

Lady Gaga is rumoured to have signed a deal with fragrance company Coty Inc. to create her own signature scent. And style blog Fashionista is now reporting that she's requested the perfume "smell of blood and semen".

Gaga was likely inspired by fashion designer Rad Hourani, who recently listed semen as the inspiration for one of his six new scents.

Gaga's perfume is expected to hit the shelves in 2012

Anybody else on this planet and this would surprise me, but coming from a woman who could be a man, I am not surprised. Lady Gaga has made a fortune off of wearing and doing shit that makes no sense, so this was a no brainer. Did you really think she was going to come out with a perfume that smelled of roses or something? Of course not. She went with the logical choice of blood and semen.

The only real benefit I can see of having this perfume is if you have an affair. Your significant other accuses you of smelling like blood and semen and you just claim you threw a couple squirts (no pun intended) of Gaga juice on yourself and your all set.

Is That a Donut?

I took this photo while driving the other day. I know its hard to see but what the hell does this guy have on his axel? I mean im not a big fan of the donut in the first place. It would just suck to be on a long ride and if you get a flat your maxim speed for the rest of the trip is 50 mph. Plus maybe its just that I am not as confident with myself as I should be but I feel like a loser driving around with the donut. However full spare or donut thats besides the point here. My question is where did this guy get whatever this thing is. This thing is like 97% bright yellow steel and 3% inflated rubber. For a while I thought he was driving with a parking boot on. I think he ripped it off a giant Tonka truck or something. Forget 50 miles per hour, this thing is probably just 50 miles max.

Macho Man Randy Savage Reaches All TIme Low

SOMERSET, Pa.  — Two West Virginia cousins are in the Somerset County Prison awaiting a hearing on charges they were caught with a car full of stolen beef jerky Wednesday evening.

Chief Randy Cox said the men were pulled over in the 100 block of Plank Road in Somerset because their license plate appeared to be falling off. That is when an officer noticed the jerky. Police say in an affidavit they saw "a large amount of boxed and packaged beef jerky" and socket sets on the car's rear seat.

Police told Miele the men planned to sell the stolen jerky to finance a trip from West Virginia through Somerset to New Stanton, where one of the suspect’s relatives was having car trouble.

Police said the men acknowledged stealing the items from auto parts stores and gas stations. Detectives are now trying to track down gas stations missing hundreds of dollars worth of jerky and even the display accessories, including giant mugs filled with packaged jerky and Slim Jims.

Michael Allen Graham, 37, and John Edward Barry, 35, both of Milton, W.Va., are charged with receiving stolen property. Their bond is set at $20,000.

As soon as you read the first sentence you know two things. 1) This did not take place in a civilized state. 2) Macho Man Randy Savage had to be involved in some way.

I would love to have been a fly on the wall throughout this process. Listening to these two men argue over the best way to come up with the money. Rob a bank? no.....Break into a house?....nope.....These guys somehow agree that stealing beef jerkey of all things would be the most profitable crime they could commit. Then to see them act it out would have been equally priceless. I hope these guys learn from their mistake and step their game up. I also hope Macho Man has a good alibi because with The Rock back in the WWF, we might just start seeing more of the legends making their way back to the ring

Be Safe This Weekend

With Valentines day earlier this week, a spring like friday, and a long weekend for most.....I can only assume that people are all hopped up and looking to have a good time this weekend. People just dying to make bad decisions. This is going to lead to a lot of passionate romance within couples and strange ass amongst the rest.. All im saying is that if your going to get wrapped up in the hoopla then make sure you wrap it up yourself. Just because its presidents day weekend doesn't mean your kid is going to be president. If your one of those "I don't wear a raincoat in the shower" type folks, here is a little clip that might having you reaching for that condom:

Mail Lady Delivers Poop in Bag

TAMPA, Fla., Feb. 16  -- The U.S. Postal Service said a mail carrier will not face penalties for delivering dog poop to a neighbor she accuses of failing to pick up after his canines.
Bruce Michaud of Tampa complained to the Postal Service last month when neighbor Toni Llauger, a mail carrier, knocked on his door while still wearing her work uniform and handed him a bag of dog feces, claiming they belonged to his dogs, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday.
Llauger and other neighbors claim Michaud doesn't pick up after his dogs, rather he mimes the motions with plastic bags and leaves the waste behind.
Vicki Plummer of the Postal Service's consumer affairs division said the fecal delivery was a personal issue because Llauger was not on duty at the time of the incident.
"Ms. Llauger has been instructed not to wear her uniform when conducting this type of personal business," Plummer said.
Officials said Llauger did not break any laws and will not face any penalties.


At first I was sort of rooting for the post woman. Like who does this guy think he is, we live in a day 'n age where you can no longer just let your dog shit and act like no big deal. Then I got to the part where it said "Michaud doesn't pick up after his dogs, rather he mimes the motions with plastic bags and leaves the waste behind" I must admit I started dying laughing and I completely switched sides. I am now onboard with Bruce Michaud. I have 100% done that move while walking my friend's dog. Just scoop the nice clean grass, maybe flash a quick queasy face, tie the empty bag, and leave the nice steaming pile of shit right where it landed.

A little tip to this Postal Service worker, when it comes to delivering a bag of dogshit, its light it on fire or bust. You can't just hand it to them.

Dwight Howard Just Doesn't Give a Fuck

So my buddy down in Orlando just snapped this little photo of Dwight Howard cruising on his big boy tricycle. This is why Orlando won't win a championship. You got your star player riding around on a big wheel probably going to get supplies for his "All Star Weekend" party, meanwhile Ray Allen has probably shot 4,000 three pointers.

Government To Spend 2 Billion Dollars on Hubble Telescope?

I heard on the news the other day that we are going to spend around 2 billion dollars to repair the hubble telescope. Okay, I suppose some space freak could convince me its worth it. However they continued to say these repairs will allow it to last atleast 3 more years. Im sorry, how many years did you say? cause I thought you just said 3 years....you did? Are you shitting me?

Don't get me wrong, im all for space adventure and going to infiniti and beyond but 2 billion for 3 years doesn't seem right to me. I don't think much is going to happen in the next 3 years that hasn't happened in the last 300. As for the people who say "but what if there is an asteroid coming towards earth?" Well I hate to burst your bubble but armageddon wasn't based on a true story, so as for me I would rather just not know the whole world is going to end 3 years in advance because something tells me that might cause some panic. and the truth is Bruce Willis IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR!




p.s. I believe we are still in an economic crisis, and 2 billion seems like a little much to be throwing around on a fucking telescope. I bet you could find a new hubble telescope on Craigslist for like $1,700.

I'll Follow You Home

The last post got me thinking about the whole prevention of drinking and driving. I don't think cops/parents understand the process of preventing your friends from drinking and driving. You can't just say to your friend "Hey Billy, I think you have had too many to drink, why don't you give me your keys."  Anybody who has ever done this knows the response is never "yeah your right, here they are."  It usually goes like this...

Matt: "hey man you shouldn't drive"

Billy: "immm fine man"

Matt "no your really not"

Billy (matt now has his arm around billys shoulder) "seriously im fine, I appreciate you looking out for me but im fine"

Matt "seriously im not letting you drive"

Billy  (spraying spit in Matt's face as he talks) " you know what....fuck you man, who are you to tell people they can't drive, your drunk too!"

Matt "i know its just that i dont....."

Billy "okay give me a sobriety test right now! ill pass it easy!"

this shit goes on for like an hour until it ends with me Matt just being like "go ahead and drive I don't care anymore"

The other thing about drinking and driving that I see all the time and will never understand is "I will follow you home." What the fuck is that going to do. Here I am watching you swerve all over the road and the only thing I can do is flash my highbeams. All that really does is temporarily blind your drunk friend. Serioulsy though, someone explain to me the benefits of following somone home. Take this little incident:

I rest my case!

Drinking and Driving is Illegal in Montana?

A Montana Department of Transportation public safety video that features a horse picking up a rider at a bar is intended as a metaphor to encourage drinkers to get a ride home.
But it is being taken literally by some in a state well known for its horse culture.
Helena Police Chief Troy McGee says he's received many calls from residents wanting to know if riding a horse while under the influence is legal. McGee tells the Independent Record newspaper that it is.
Montana law carefully defines a vehicle, and excludes those running under animal power.
The popular 30-second video titled "Sober Friend" shows a savvy horse carefully obeying traffic laws on a nighttime journey through town before stopping in front of a bar to pick up a rider.
Much of the talk is not about if the "Sober Friend" ad is realistic, but rather if it is legal to ride home drunk on a horse.

I will be the first to admit I have no clue where Montana is on the map. No clue. Give me a dart, I will aim for the middle and thats my guess. I also assumed drinking and driving was legal in Montana. I mean what else is there to do and what could you possible hit with your car? There is nothing for miles.

With my ignorance being layed out on the table I came across this article. Montana probably just spent its entire states budget to make a commerical against drinking and driving. Well judging by the article it seems it has completely backfired because all people want to know is if its legal to drink and drive on a horse. None of these people have any intention of not getting shitfaced, they just want to know whats the legal way to get to the saloon and back.

To me this is going to create a lot more chaos then if they just let people drink and drive. Imagine the thousands of people in Boston riding to Faneuil Hall on horses. Then at 2am its like a scene out of a western movie, just a bunch of drunk meatheads flying through the streets on horses. Your telling me thats better then a few DUIs here and there?

Personally I don't even want to imagine the places I would wake up if I threw my blackedout ass on a horse and rode off into the night.

The Best Part of Waking Up

Well I think my "get rich quick" scheme just fell into my lap (and then raised slightly off my lap). I mean who says you got to come up with an original idea. All you gotta do is find something like this bikini coffee shop and bring it to where they don't have bikini coffee shops. I bet starbucks shit its pants when it saw this. I mean seriously, do you really want to go to starbucks and order a 9 dollar coffee only to feel like a douchebag when you say "large" instead of "grande"? I want to go to this place where there are beautiful women in bikinis who "talk to you...ask you how your days going, care for you as a friend." I mean this is a no brainer here, were in a fucking recession and this guy is cleaning house. Granted a few bitter old dykes would refuse to go here, but trust me the line would be out the door. I mean employees would be begging to make coffee runs. It would no longer be the "interns" job but the CEO's privelage to go on a coffee run here.

I must say though I think this girl has her percentages a little off. Hate to break it to you sweetheart but I think the ratio is more like 100% what your wearing and 0% to do with your coffee.

Daily Pet Peeve: SLOW WALKERS

Slow walkers can make a good day turn aggrivating real quick. I don't even understand how they walk so slow, like I have tried to walk that slow before and its difficult. Do they not have anywhere to be ...ever? Their not always fat and lazy either like these two cows in the picture, although this is the norm, they can come in all different sizes. They always travel in packs too and have some freakish ability to know when your trying to pass them. They slide a little to the left or right like they want you to be stuck behind them. Your weaving back and forth like an old man skiing down a mountin just trying to find a hole or chance to bust through. Now all of a sudden your late for wherever you were going and your pissed the fuck off. Great way to make an entrace...

What Is The Protocal on Thanking Someone For Tickets

(actual photo)

Maybe its that im funny, maybe its that I can heckle the shit out of the opposing team, maybe its that im willing to drink anyday of the week but whatever it is, I tend to get invited to a decent amount of sporting events.  Now in the rare case its a friend's uncle, a client, or someone you don't know very well you just write them a nice thank you note. Usually though its one of my friends. In this case I just kind of do the whole thing where they don't charge me for the tickets and I pay for the boose. Which seems to be the unwritten rule with this sitution right? To be honest, since none of my friends ever really have great seats, I usually end up spending more money on the boose then if I just paid for the ticket but thats the name of the game I guess. My real question is what is the protocal if somebody just gives you abosulte shit tickets?

For example I visited my buddy in Austin the other week and he sat in a luxury box while me and my friends sat in the seats he "hooked us up" with. Lets just say "hooked up" was the biggest lie since kelly clarkson said she was full. I paid more for the sherpa and two tanks of oxygen to get to up to the seats then he paid for the tickets. Seriously I am still picking bloody boogers out of my nose. We didn't last long at those altitudes. We got there with 45 seconds in the half and were gone by halftime.

So do I owe this kid a thank you note? Do I have to repay the favor when he comes to boston? whats the rules here?

Real Life Pet Detective?

BURNABY, British Columbia, Feb. 17 -- A U.S. missing pet tracker and his sniffer dogs have had their trail turn cold in Southern British Columbia in the search for a missing cat, its owners said.
Tracker Harry Oakes, from Longview, Wash., traveled north to the Vancouver suburb of Burnaby with his dogs to hunt down Luna, a one-year-old gray tabby cat who disappeared from the home of clothier Robin Hoare and his wife, Burnaby Now reported.
Hoare paid Oakes $1,000 to conduct the search, saying the pet detective claims a 95 percent success rate in hunting down missing pets on his Web site.
"We brought him in maybe five days after she went missing as … a last resort," Hoare said.
Earlier this week, the dogs abruptly lost Luna's scent in a park, but Hoare said he's not giving up and would post signs in the area offering a small reward.
"We were originally fearing that coyotes or something had got her, but from what (Oakes) tracked, it looks like maybe a transient or someone picked her up and put her in his cart," he said. "We're hoping whoever has her will travel that route back."

Im going to skip the urge to just go ballistic on the fact that somebody is willing to pay $1,000 to conduct a search for a fucking cat. Here I am rubbing sticks together, begging somebody for a job blogging and this guy is shelling out my life savings to find his precious little jinxy-cat.

Instead I want to discuss Mr. Harry Oakes here. He is a real life pet detective? There is really a pet detective thats name isn't Ace Ventura and he makes $1,000 dollars a case? Where the hell was my guidance counselor on this one? Like instead of convincing me to apply to college, sign my life away in student loans, then sit in a cubicle for the rest of my life.....why not just say "go be a pet detective."

Im sitting here laughing my ass off at first thinking Mr. Hoare is a joke when in reality im the fucking joke. This guy is making $1,000 on a cat. Imagine what he must get for a dog or a high end client with a missing horse or a rare white bat!. On top ot that this pet detective didn't even do anything....just came back and said "the trace went missing." (Personally I would have just went Greg Focker on their ass and spray painted the nearest cat...boom case closed!) To top it all off, the pet detective said "he's not giving up and would post signs in the area offering a small reward."......OH GEE THANKS.  I give you $1,000 dollars and your going to put  up a couple posters and offer a "small" reward? Pretty sure little suzzie down the street did the same thing on her own and she is 12 years old. Excuse me while I Google "how to become a pet detective"

Greatest Sport of All Time?

If you told me that all you had to do was add one object to soccer and it would be the most entertaining sport ever I would have said your nuts. Personally I would rather watch a documentary on paint drying. I,  along with everyone else who has an ounce of athletic ability, don't find it entertaining at all, and on top of that I get winded just watching these fuckers run all over the place. Then I came across this clip of "Binocular Soccer"...The oppening kick off is unreal, and like any good movie, once the action starts it has you on the edge of the seat the whole time. Its genius!!!

However leave it to the Japanese to make this sport extra confusing. First of all what the fuck is up with the ref in the rabbit suit, or the other ref who is a snazzy hat short of Zorro. On top of this, whats with the uniforms? Is it everyman for themselves? It appears as though there are teams but every person is wearing a different fucking color. Its like they asked the creators of "Fruit Stripe Gum" to design their uniforms for them. Either way, this sport is unreal. I have seen or played almost every drinking game there is and none of them have shit on the potential that "Drunken Binocular Soccer" has. I expect to see this on college campuses everywhere. The only caution I would have is that im pretty sure there will be more injuries then at the Roman colleseum. You better have a hell of a medical staff. I mean there is going to be an endless amount of rolled ankles, hyper-extended knees, and eyes being pushed to the back of their socket...

What a Tease

These, along with the hundreds of other hampsters on youtube, are the ones that sucker us all in to buying one of these fucking rodents. Their like the really hot chick who is a mega dick tease. Cause as soon as you think "hey im gonna go in for the kiss" or in this case "hey im gonna go buy a hampster..." BAM! you get brought right down to reality. You walk into the pet store thinking your gonna buy a pencil eating, wheel running, cuddly and cute little hamster. However what you end up coming out with is a smelly, lazy, disease infested monster.

The first thing you do when you get home is stick a pencil in his face, well guess what, hes not going to touch that fucking pencil. Oh and as for the wheel or trapese set you bought the thing, he is going to laugh when he sees those things because all your hamster does is eat, shit, and bite. So just remember for every 1 youtube clip of a cute talented hamster there are a thousand free talentless hamsters on craigslist.

P.S. Every male hamster must have just jizzed their fur after seeing this female hamster deepthroat a pencil like that

Girl Born With 12 Fingers and 14 Toes

could you please pass the mashpotat---OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

seriously though some poor kids self esteem is going to be shattered years from now when he gets his first HJ ever from this girl and she has so many fingers he can't even see the head of his penis. If she does the double handed stroke it would feel like a fucking centipede is crawling on your dick...no thanks.

(Note: Rex Ryan on the other hand probably already has a calendar counting down the days till this 14 toed freak is 18)

You thought You Had a Bad Valentines Day?

Florida man Josue Hernandez was arrested after causing a disturbance at a bar when he learned the "women" he had bought a round of drinks for were actually men in drag, according to a report.

Collier County Sheriff's deputies arrested the 27-year-old on Saturday at a bar in Immokalee, Fla.

According to Naplesnews.com, police say Hernandez became disgruntled and started breaking bottles and picking fights with other patrons when he learned the group of people he was socializing with were men in drag

When police apprehended him, they discovered a 6-inch hunting knife in his waistband, says the site.

Hernandez was charged with disorderly intoxication and carrying a concealed weapon

Man and I thought my Valentines day was rough. My big complaint is im sick of having a relative be my valentine. Like my grandmother basically has two birthdays. There is her birthday and then there is Valentines day when her grandson can't find a date. Either way she gets a free dinner and some flowers.

However after a second glance, im not buying Josue's story. There are too many things wrong with this. First off, these were men dressed in "drag" not full time transexuals who may have a shot of tricking you.. Second, it says there were a group of them. Okay maybe there was one he/she in there that might fool you if you were blackout drunk but as a group there should have been more red flags then a game of minesweeper. So im sorry Josue, but I think you got a case of the limp wrist, because im pretty sure the 6 inch knife they found in your waistband was right next to the hard-on you were trying to flip n tuck...

Teen Kills Goldfish To Elimante Witnesses

ARLINGTON HEIGHTS, Ill., Feb. 16  - Police in Illinois said a 16-year-old burglar killed three fish with poison because he didn't want to "leave any witnesses" to the crime.

Arlington Heights police said the 16-year-old Arlington Heights boy, an Arlington Heights 15-year-old boy and a 17-year-old boy from Des Plaines face residential burglary charges in juvenile court after they allegedly broke into an apartment complex Jan. 24, the Arlington Heights Daily Herald reported Tuesday.

Sgt. Mike Hernandez of the Arlington Heights Police Department said the 16-year-old also faces a cruelty to animals charge.

"As a matter of fact, it's a little disturbing," Hernandez said. "According to the police report, he looked at the fish tank and said 'We can't leave any witnesses.'"

Now some of you may be thinking this kid needs help. Maybe phsycologically he does, but in the art of becoming a professional and successful robber this kid is well on his way. Im no burglar/murderer, but if I know anything about robbery its that you never leave a witness behind. I don't care if its just goldfish, you eliminate the threat. Personally I would have just flushed the bastards but John Dillinger Jr here probably would have explained flushing the toilet is too loud and poison is the way to go. The police should just lock him up now because I promise you we will be reading about this guy years from now. If he will kill something that can't speak, has a 3 second memory, and a 7 day life span in fear it could serve as a viable witness, then there is no telling what he is capable of!